I know the title of this post can make you think this is a kind of survival guide, but soon you will notice it is an undercover disclaimer :-p.
First: Decide the RL aspects that can and shouldn’t be threatened by your SL
I am feed off of people saying “get a real life”, when they spend hours seeing the TV; it is much more interesting to be here, at SL, talking with real people. But yes, your real life has some needs that you should cover, and you probably don’t; find them and try to take care of them.
For example, I have some clear priorities; my husband and daughter, and getting enough sleep. I am ashamed to admit there was a time I gived the first two less attention than I should, and even if I fixed that now, I seem unable to do anything right with the sleep; I am writing this past midnight because I stayed with my husband, and I still have to log at SL and see my family here :-p.
I have one golden rule, if you have to log because RL requires it, it is right, and you shouldn’t excuse yourself. RL needs are primary, and some times hard to explain; simply tell me you are logging and if you are going to come back.
Second: Learn when to log in
Even if you aren’t suffering the standard addict “only a little more” behaviour, that keeps you scratching every free minute and some of them that aren’t to get inside SL (and I know you do :-p)… and if you think you are free of it, maybe you have other problems, like checking SL related websites when you aren’t connected… as I do, five or six times a day.
Even the “logging for a little” idea can be pretty destructive. I think most of us have tried to log, pick that freebie that we saw at the website and log out again. At the end a friend call us, we give some explanations, another friend calls, some goodbye hugs…all this while feeling you should go; messy.
If you don’t have time to stay, I suggest you not to log at all.
If you burn hours checking blogs, open them only once or twice a day.
Btw, now we should add a rule like “learn when to log out”… but we are trying to be realistic, and nobody whould keep it :-p
Third: Don’t be afraid about asking some time for yourself
Ok, I suggested you not to use short loggins, but that means that when you log, there are some things you probably will want to do, like getting the freebie previously mentioned.
For example, I usually find from 5 to 10 IM tabs the moment I log, some asking for customer service and some social ones. I’ve had no problems telling my friends that I am busy answering them, but I still feel guilty about picking freebies before seeing my loved ones… so the links for them pile on my Firefox “To Do” folder.
The funny thing is my friends can wait five or ten minutes without problems; I imagine nobody whould be offended if I plainly said them that I will usually log and do some things, then answer their IMs and see them.
So, when you log try to have a clear idea of what you want to do, and do it unless there is an emergency. After it your mind will be free to see your friends.
Fourth: Busy social life? Disable notifications for friend loggins
Iv’e repeated myself a lot about my busy and full social life; that’s why I hate the friend notification. It keeps telling me “xxx logged in”, and I know we didn’t talk in weeks, and I should be sending an IM, but I am busy at the moment. I’ve tried removing friends, but it is a painfull procedure and I don’t like it, so I’ll simply disable the notification.
Of course, you should tell your loved ones and intimate friends that you will not notice when they log in… but since we usually check our friend list when we log, it is logical that the “responsability” to open contact falls on the last logging in.
Fifth: Have a meeting place/s so casual friends can meet you and, of course, learn their meeting places
If each time you IM somebody you get a “sorry, I cannot talk much, I’m very busy now” answer, you probably will stop calling soon. I try to be always available for my friends when they need me, but if they look for a little chat, it is hard for them to find the right moment, and I rarely try.
But if you share with them some spots, like a bar or a beach (or a park like Pandora’s Peace :-p), and you make the effort to go there when you aren’t doing anything special, they will know that you are avaliable if they see you there. For example, I have some friends that usually stay at a sandbox; it is easy to go, find them there, and chat for a while.
This will work better if you let people to track you, so they know if you are at one of the “chatty” spots without porting there… but tracking is a complex issue, since some people abuses it; it is a hard decision.
Six: Lovers
No, I will not talk now about commitment, drama, poly relations, etc. All relations are different, and have their ups and downs… but all of them need time, to grown and be alive.
When it comes to the people you love, the decision should be clear. Give them all the time you can, and then a bit more.
Yes, we talked about balancing things, and the previous points should give you a “healty” RL, a bit of space to make things done, and some intimity while keeping contact with your friends… and all this takes us to clean, intimate time to spend with the ones you love.
Fight for that time and make good use of it.
I have a good list of fairly active friends… My problem is usually finding the ones who aren’t busy…
I log in from work these days while checking the blogs…. but enough people I know are only active when I’m home at night, so it all works out…
*nods and nods and nods*
You are so right – again :) – . And I’ve thought of many of these solutions too. Only… thinking about it and acting like it are two different things *sigh*
An other example: when I was reading your blog I got a saved IM in my mailbox from a very dear friend I’d love to talk to: so tempting to log in! (And no I didn’t, yay!)
And when it comes to sharing time inworld with friends: Sometimes I’m glad my sweetheart is working in nightshift every alternate week (oh damn, in my heart I hate it): it gives me the possibility to meet my friends then, to keep track with my endless to do list and to catch up some sleep (in theory *laughs*)
And besides that I’m in the lucky circumstance that I can log in during day, when most friends are offline. Perfect to pick up something or to explore a bit! But when you explore, you meet new friends, who ARE online in the afternoon, and…. well you can guess the result ;-)
It’s not easy, but I love it :)))
Oops forgot something…
What is bothering me more, is all the time I spend THINKING about SL. No computer needed: it goes on and on and on. When I’m doing the laundry, when I’m walking to the supermarket, when I’m having breakfast. And what am I thinking about? Friendship, love, relations, emotions… it’s so damn difficult sometimes, but interesting at the same time.
theshadow, I understand there is a lot of people that is always too busy, mainly with silly things and are hard to meet (like me, for example :-p), that’s the main motive I wrote this, like a disclaimer for my friends… but even if I know it is hard to implement, I believe the hanging-out technique combined with the tracking skill should help people to keep in contact.
And yes, Zippora, it isn’t the same trying to act on it, isn’t it? I logged yesterday after writing the post, took a bit of time to do some customer service, Nat logged and I asked her to wait… then there where more things to do, and more…
Even if Nat comed and we where together it tooks us almost three hours to fix all of it, leaving us just enough for a little time of hugging before I had to go to bed at five of morning :-p
Messy, messy and busy SL :-(
double quoting from Zippora:
“thinking about it and acting like it are two different things *sigh*” – “What is bothering me more, is all the time I spend THINKING about SL. No computer needed: it goes on and on and on…”
Awww Zippora! As usual London posts an interesting and very well written guide, tough I have to say that I tought about what she wrote many times already… Maybe this mean my SL is gettin so messy… But I juts cannot find the force to disable the “friends loggedin/off notification”… I wasn’t able to find time for everyone in the last days and someone (someone important, too) is starting to get mad at me… Yet my main problem is that I hunger for more, meeting more people, buying more stuff, exploring more places, loving more people (that really deserve that, and that is another messy quest… you need to meet 5 to maybe find 1 that really deserved to be loved…) The sun is shining but I see big clouds ahead… But I love to dance in the rain from time to time :)
Yes, it seems I wrote a pretty theorical study about ideas all of us know,but we seem unable to follow :-p
It is interesting to discover the opposite point of view (friends before lovers, instead lovers before friends) and see it is as messy as mine :-p. But what I like more is how you look at it; I should learn to dance in the rain, too, instead of bitching so much about finding the perfect umbrella :-)
“The sun is shining but I see big clouds ahead… But I love to dance in the rain from time to time :)”
Beautiful words Eidur :) And true: I don’t mind to dance in the rain sometimes. And even stormy weather is not bad, once in a while. It makes me feel alive ;-)
*me dances in the rain, getting his fur all wet*
Well, what can I say? Nice theory and I’ll really, really try to take some of these advices … already knowing that I will miserably fail at that ;)
*starts singing* I’m not an addict … maybe that’s a lie …
Good advices, London. Always relationships are the hard part RL and SL, but the sweetest at the same time.
My name is Casius and I am a Second Life addict…
Some nights no one I know is in world and I explore and meet someone new. The next night I might make time to see the new person again. Then three days later and all of my friends, lovers and casual buddies are all online at once and wondering when I can see them??!! Keep repeating the cycle and the list of people who are all online at once gets longer – but the nights when no one is on and I meet new people still persists…
I need to just log the heck off it none of my friends are there. OR just stay on my island…
The spikes and dips and missing people gets crazy.
I know I am repeating myself but, yes, it is easier to write advice than to follow it :-p.
Raul, welcome and thanks for commenting :-)
And the same to Casius, of course… maybe if we get some more examples we will be able to thing better rules, so we can update this post and make it usefull :-)