You can find the first part of this series here, or in the Love and Sex category. Of course, when it ends on the I Fucked it Up one, it is clear something went wrong. But don’t worry, this isn’t a rant, not another breakdown… even if there is a touch of apologice on my behalf.
But first let’s talk about good things: I met Timothy (alias mr. goodguy) and he was, no, he IS charming, and the date was a bliss… even if he showed a tendence about over-planning (but I really really loved the glide, Tim :-) and RL kept nagging at me so the weight of the conversation fell heavily over his poor, furry shoulders.
In fact it was a good thing, since I’ve already talked too much about myself here and it gived me hours to know him better, and he is interesting, introspective, caring and even funny sometimes (yes, I cannot avoid nagging at everybody :-p).
After SL played its usual usual tricks on us I ended taking him at our “not really romantic” poseball storage room (it happens when you buy all B&B packs and there are some innadecuate for public use :-p), where I showed I can be as eager and clumsy as anybody else; I am well known for not to taking the time to do the things right but, of course, that is part of my charm, leaving things for the future :-p.
One of the strangest things of the night was when I discovered that it isn’t the same to tell a lover what you did at RL after doing it, that noticing he already knows WHILE you are doing it, since he readed about it before; shyness attack us in the oddest moments :-p
A wonderfull (and funny :-) date… and then everybody started logging in, we went to Lillie’s ball and things got confusing an busy (I didn’t even had the opportunity to see Tim again before he logged), then I had to port home and ended tired and sleep deprived in the arms of Natsumi and Katrina, about going to say goodbye… and some hours later I still was there, sweating, breathing raggedly and wondering if I was suffering a heart attack :-p.
All nice and fun and exciting… until two days after it I ended being a drama queen, something nobody deserved, and Tim less than anybody else. You probably notice a trend here… I met Soph and instead of a nice, loving post, I wrote for a nervous breackdown statement. I met mr. goodguy and after a while things go sour.
The problem? My usual SL obsessions… time, complex relations… growing pains that end affecting other people: my SL family, my friends.
I had decided not to write about this since it affected other people privacity, but after a while I noticed a great deal of the guilt fell on me; I should had seen it coming weeks ago, and probably reading my own rules about poliamory whould had helped, if I hadn’t been so blinded by my own self-image and words.
The fun thing is the clue is what I’ve always said, ranted and writen about… time.
In the end, the “why” is simple, too: I’ve neglected the ones I should care more about and, while doing it, brought more and more people on my live… so I could neglect them too.
The answer? I doubt anybody has a good one; I know mine isn’t.
First: When the hangout is ready I’ll asist at fixed hours, publishing them in my profile so I can keep in contact with everybody.
Second: Now we have a place to meet, I’ll leave on my friend list only the five or six ones I IM often (and yes, I am including here the mistreated Soph and Tim, if they still want to burden with me), and the ones I don’t feel the need to talk to, like administrative contacts… sigh, it cannot sound sillier, a friend list without standard friends in it.
I know this isn’t a true solution, only a runaway that is rude with people I like… but we need time to recover and I cannot resist anymore my love/hate relation with my friend list.
So, here you have it… if you want to meet me or, what I think is much more interesting, people like you that likes to read the blog, come to the hangout when we have it ready.
But no more friends and dates for me, until this (second) life recovers it’s sanity :-p.
Honestly, you shouldn’t be writing about that stuff in public. This shit is going to haunt you for decades. Keep private stuff to yourself and figure it out with the people who care for you – not with the whole world.
“… over-planning … / … even funny sometimes …”
That’s what you get for preparing for a date and trying to be nice … *sigh* … I’ll never understand women, I guess ;-)
*kidding mode off*
Thank you for everything, it was a wonderful date and I enjoyed it very much. You are a funny and loving person and I really hope that your time management will get better with your new rules. Thanks for keeping me on your list :)
@Anonymous
I think it’s London’s decision if she wants to share her feelings with the world. And yes, she has asked me for permission before publishing this and I’m sure she asked the other persons included as well.
Oh, and what kept you from adding your name to the post?
*smiles warmly* Anonymous, as Tim said below, I’ve always tried not to intrude in other people’s privacity unless they give me permission; there are stories I whould never talk about.
Except for calling it “shit”, I think you are expressing more worring than repulse and I thank you for taking care, but what you seem to forget is that but Nat, I’ve know everybody here through the blog… Katrina, Soph, Timothy.
I will not be so egocentric to say there is a link between me and my readers to be nurtured and enjoyed (even if I feel like that :-p), but I can say that I’ve never stalked/annoyed in world, something that I thought it could happen; you are truly wonderfull people, and sometimes more patient than I deserve *smiles*.
Even more, this kind of posts started gradually and with time they becomed a main line… it is very important for me to explaining how I feel about everything even if I don’t know why… probably a cheap mix of self therapy, exhibitionism and popularity hunger.
And Timothy *smiles*, I shouldn’t make fun of you in a moment like this, but you know I cannot avoid it :-p.
Anyway, remember it was me who allowed anonymous posting here, and that is easy to simply made up a name… even if yes, it is annoying not to be able to tell one anonimous commenter from other :-p
Thanks for keeping me in your list :-)
*hugs you*
Oh, London, hon!
Believe me, I understand: I was at a dance party Friday, asked the girl next to me where she got her boots, and ended up on a huge shopping spree, a tour of a ponygirl farm, and one more wonderful person in my life…
All while my time is about to get cut back.
Our families need us, London, and we have to remember that they come first. But our natures are social, and will lead us always to new people. The tension between those two things is *inescapable.* We just have to do our best to balance them.
Don’t let me be a source of stress for you. You’re dear to me, and I treasure seeing you, and would love another date :) But if we go a couple weeks just talking on blogs and IM, that’s okay. It makes the time we get together in person all the more precious.
@Anoymous
Living your RL or your SL in fear of “shit haunting you” is no way to live at all. You’ll end up cold and alone and taking no chances at all. London asked me if it was okay to post this and I said yes.
If you want to keep things to yourself, that’s fine…. but some people prefer to share and, in this and many other respects, London and I are very much alike.
Where I draw the line and where you draw it on what is appropriate to post may be two very different things.
@Timothy
Anonymity is essential for expressing opinions that are, sometimes, unpopular.
Sincerely, NY
Your honesty makes me want to blog.
I visited your park (and shopped).
It would be great to meet you sometime during your posted hours.
I agree with Casius, when I read your blog, your honesty and raw emotions make me want to be able to let loose my soul when I blog, and yet, fear still has its hold on me, so once again, I live vicariously thru you…I hope you do not mind *kish*
Oh my. Now I know what I’m gonna face soon…
I guess I have no other alternatives than to put my dusty combat dress and boots on again. Slowly, emotionless I will draw my beautiful and beloved Katana, I will wash her in the river. I will sit next that river, close my eyes and meditate, putting myself not visible to anyone for some days… I will keep my Katana by my hand, the only tiny tie to the “real” SL world… And I will think about your words.
@ “Anoymous” I wil see your dead corpse floating by into the river…
:P
You’ll remember my words in 18 years when your kids start searching the web for what their parents did in their past.
First, for what I can say, they won’t find *any* link between my SL and private RL names and things… I spend many time to protect my privacy & intimacy.
Second, I hope to grow them up as clever and open minded people like my parents grew me up.
I couldn’t be there if things were different.
I feel sorry for you.
But really, really sorry. Stick to your first life if you have so much problems with *our* second.
Thank you
Well, I wrote a comment yesterday, but it seems I forgot to press the submit button, since it isn’t here and it isn’t in the spam filter, too :-p.
Anyway, things progressed since I did, so here it goes:
Soph, thanks for your patience and, yes, it seems it isn’t only me who is going to need some rest time :-p.
Nat… awww…. your first post here *hugs you really really tight* :-). Thanks for coming into my defense, even if I seriously doubt there is an attack, only worrying… and we have to admit my line is traced far than it should be. Just now I want to drool about you being here but, as always, there is something that push me to do more privately. I love love you, Natsumi.
Casius, do it, an when you do, give us a link so we can all read it :-). And about meeting at the hangout, I hope so… if there is something that I like than a reader is a reader who spend money in the shop *winks*.
Elusyve, how could I mind, even if I had to search for the meaning of “vicarious” :-). I whould love to read more about you, but I don’t want you to risk yourself… and knowing my little and pretentious words make you feel good is reward enough *smiles and hugs you*.
Eidur, you brought us a beautifull, peacefull, powerfull image (even if the corpse was a bit too much :-p); I really hope you get your rest… tell me how it goes, will you? :-).
Anonimous, I am a bit afraid about the hostile words you are receiving, since you aren’t being aggresive and you are probably right about me going too far… but did you notice how polite they while scolding you? you have to love them :-)
Eidur is right about growing kids, I hope mine will be tolerant and had a certain sense of humour, if eighteen years from now she finds about her strange mother adventures. It worries me more that she finds it sooner, when she isn’t mature enough to understand it… but that implies an association between my SL name and my RL one.
I am not so confident about my anonimity as Eidur; there is too much information running around and Internet is all but secure… but it isn’t as if I am a remarkable person; the possibility of this reaching Spain in a noticiable way is small, and I could always try the classic triad: denial, disinformation and data destruction. Remember that all I write is a promotional stunt to sell the Pandora :-p.
As Soph said before, one of the good things of blogging is that let’s you keep in contact without being swarmed by SL responsabilities… even if it is intimacy without privacity.
Other nice things is to see people commenting, sharing your problems or even raising to support you, like knights in shiny armour. Blogging feels good, but reading the comments, noticing you have friends… can be easily a drug.
I thank you all, anonymous included, for being here and taking care :-)
(btw, I just had been remembered I should update my blogroll, something I’ve been delaying too much, I promise I’ll do it later :-p)
God, the comment was larger than the post, and I didn’t write today’s one :-p.
[...] 7th, 2007 by London Spengler I got so caught commenting yesteday’s post, that I didn’t had time to write today’s one. So I’ll simply suggest you to have [...]
Blogging feels good, but reading the comments, noticing you have friends… can be easily a drug.
It can be indeed. The feeling is surprisingly similar to getting IMd by a friend in SL or seeing the the notice that someone has just logged in. I suspect many of us here have, in one form or another, become friendship addicts. If SL is like cigarettes, then blogging is like putting on a nicotine patch.
Not that I’m looking to kick the habit anytime soon, mind you.
==
As for issues of privacy and Anonymous’ warning. It’s valid, but like everything else in SL each person is free to choose how much of a risk they will take, provided they are willing to accept the consequences later (or at least have a backup plan).
Personally, I don’t blog about the so-called “real” me at all, and very little about the more private parts of my SL life either. Anyone reading Soph’s page knows that I’m one of her lovers, but I keep the details of our relationship and proclamations of my love for her confined to in-world conversation. Why? Purely for aesthetic reasons – for me, some treasures are better hidden, or are to be shared only between two people. Similarly, I tend to share problems and concerns with my friends in a less public venue than my blog.
However, I am very glad that you are sharing all this with us, London. When one person like yourself opens everything up for us to see, it helps us look at ourselves.
::Argent Out::
Thanks, Argent… be carefull, it is easier than you think to slip a detail here and there, and end sharing your private thoughs… but I agree with you; there are some things too private to talk about them, and they can be little ones… I remember once when… but I will not say it :-)
…”Remember that all I write is a promotional stunt to sell the Pandora”…
…”if there is something that I like than a reader, is a reader who spend money in the shop”…
Hi London! Just thought I’d let you know that we (yes “we” as in ‘my new love and I’) bought 2 Pandora HUDs last night! We love them.
The ability to just come behind her and hug her from behind without any warning is fantastic. :)
One question – is there an animation available for the HUD were we could hold hands while standing side by side? It would be so cool to be able to just walk up beside her and reach out and hold her hand. :)
*laughs* I see you noticed the nicest and unselfish points of my comments; thanks for being both a reader and a customer, Faerie :-)
About the walking hands device, there is and there isnt a way… there is a product that lets you do that, but I only tried it once and it didn’t work very well… and of course there is the Rendezvous, that I’ve heard is a wonder but truly expensive (around 3K)…
By now I am developing two otptions.. one of them whould let you use the Pandora to follow another avie, simply walking behind or trying to go hand to hand, but I am not sure if this last option whould work right… the script is almost ready, so we will know soon :-p. If it works, I’ll publish it on the shop and send a copy to you :-)
Another option is to create a rezzable device that let both of you “drive” walking hand to hand, so one can walk while the other types, and then change… that one whould take a lot more time, since I have no experience on vehicle design and have a lot of proyects to do.
Hi London, I needed an excuse to post on your blog and I didn’t want to comment on your personal thoughts (although I love reading them).
I don’t want a “walking together” animation – we tried that “rez an object, wear it and have your partner sit/wear the other side thingy”, it didn’t work very well.
I just want a standing still pose/animation where we are standing still holding hands – not a walking one. :)
How often do you find yourself standing next to or near your lover while you are both standing still looking at something or talking to others etc? I would love to be able to use the Pandora HUD to quietly reach out and hold hands while we both stand there. It a bit more subtle than walking up behind and using the “hug from behind” while we’re texting – but that’s the situation I have in mind.
We both have the “typing in the air” animation switched off too so it would not interfere with our ability to text.
Is that possible?
Faerie, that is an awesome idea!!! Pleeeeze, London, make it possible for all of us :)
Ok, already done; four animations: hand to hand and side hug… now I only have to test them and make a release with all the other 20 in the waiting list :-p
Faerie, London – that’s *brilliant*!!
And, Faerie, continuing congratulations – I haven’t seen you on at the same time as me in ages – I’m glad to hear that all’s going well!
London – that’s fantastic! Thank you so much.
Soph – thank you so much. If you would like to see a pic of my love there is one in my profile (of her in human form anyway, hee hee).
Timezones are such an annoying part of RL aren’t they, but I hope we can catch up again some time.
Soph – I was in such a hurry before that i forgot to tell you just how happy I am! :) Happier than I have ever been in SL before. But you probably guessed that already didn’t you?
Now I have to try to be patient while poor London does all her testing and gets everything sorted.
/me waits very patiently tapping her foot, chewing her fingernails, swishing her wings. trying so hard to be patient. really.
Well, I whould had tried it yesterday if I had been able to log, but I’ll give it some work tonight so, news coming soon… but don’t hope for a true good lock in the hand to hand standing, is too height dependant :-p
And my congratulations,too ;-)
Finally, my after-my-holiday-comment, to satisfy some of your need of drug ;-)
Yes, your blog is very personal and about your private SL life. But that’s actually exactly what I like about it. And if I read the comments on the whole series, I’m not the only one ;-) You are writing about an issue that touches many of us, and which is subject of many of my personal conversations inworld. The longer I am in SL, the more I realise that a big part of SL is about friendship and relations…
Yes, maybe it is a bit exhibitionistic to write about your life like this, but aren’t we all secretly voyeurs, who love to peep in other people’s private life? (else a lot of magazines and reality tv-shows wouldn’t exist, would they?)
Yes, you are vulnerable, blogging like this. But I wouldn’t mind about it hunting you in future. In 18 years we will probably laugh about it. Do you remember computer technology from 18 years ago? If you even had seen a PC at that time, not to speak about internet, which was something for a happy few in those days.
Yes, like Casius, “your honesty makes me want to blog”. But I’d better not, because my SL(and RL) time management is already a mess. I think I’d better stay at commenting for the time being ;-)
Yes, it apparently works writing about your personal life AND your product in one blog: I’ve visited your park too (not a single soul there, though :( ) and have bought a Pandora HUD: I can’t wait for my sweetheart to log in today ;-)
Last but not least..
Yes I think it’s a good decision to concentrate on the ones you love most and I hope it will give you some peace of mind. But I doubt if removing other friends from your list is a good solution: they will understand, but it’ll hurt them anyway. (Hmmm.. haven’t I recently read a blog about this subject, where was it?)
I hope your next personal post will be more light-hearted, I’m looking forward to it, anyway. *sends you big comforting hug*
Welcome back and thanks for the long comment, I agree with you, even in the “not a single soul” (but the traffic stadistics are nice :-p)… and I am sorry about my next personal post, since I am sure you will not like it; I’ll try to make the future ones light-hearted, at least keeping away from the risk.
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