A pair of weeks ago I decided I couldn’t take the weight of two full lives, and had to “simplify” my SL one.
Yes, again :-p
This time the idea is to avoid things I should hide from my RL husband, like cybering. While I can’t stop loving, I can stop behaving like a lover, and I hope that a clean conscience, or at least a slightly gray one, will let me sleep better.
The thing is, I have been told that this happens every September, and it may be true. It seems that last September I did a massive defriending, and that the previous one I commented I was exhausted and I needed a rest; if we check 2007 archives, the average of 20 posts/month falls to a trickle of one or two after September the 16th.
I wonder if it was 2006’s September when I decided I couldn’t take the weight of my SL life and killed my main, Alana. I know it took me around six months to come back but, since London had already been worn as a working alt, I don’t know when it happened. What I know is I started writing in 2007’s June, and I had ambled a lot as London before doing so, so the chances are good.
I know about post-vacational depression and, while I don’t think I suffer it at RL, it may affect me at SL. While I don’t like to be said there are cycles in my behaviour, it is true that I always find hard to come back to SL after holidays. As my dear sis Zippora explains, way better than I could do:
I think emotional experiences in SL are even more wearing us out than the RL ones for several reasons: you lack direct communication with body language and facial expressions, most of us are communicating in a language that’s not our own – both also with the risk of misinterpretation btw – , many of us stay up too late to see SL friends and therefore ask too much from our bodies, the secretness of virtual affairs forces us to stay quiet when we would like to cry out.
If I can add something, is the devastating effect of double loyalties for those of us who are married at RL.
At first it is easy to keep a SL relation private: no names, no pics, no voice; we can choose clear limits. But keeping yourself a secret from somebody you love isn’t an easy thing to do, and feels deeply wrong. Even if the idea is to protect your RL close ones, it sounds like lack of confidence, like saying “I am not telling you because you can use it someday to hurt me”.
Your friends may respect your privacy and understand when you need to keep a secret (says the relentless googler .-p), but as you grow closer you give and take, sharing more and more. And even if I have never given away my full identity, my closest friends could probably discover who I am (Google again :-p), and that makes so tempting to take that last step, to stop the secrets.
But as barriers fail communication increases, and so does risk. Maybe you will check continuously your e-mail, or exchange phone calls, or dream about brief, hot RL encounters; maybe your SL lover makes you laugh, blush, maybe he keeps your mind busy while you are driving. At the end it doesn’t matter it is a virtual affair, because we behave like RL cheaters… and as RL cheaters we can’t give ourselves fully to our lovers, which can be so unfair, if you are the only thing they have.
Once upon a time I was so deeply in love at SL that I failed my RL. This time I had been more careful, not letting myself go, but still getting closer, deeper, until the daily mess of SL relations absorbed me, until too many hours weren’t enough, until giving everything was at the same time too much and not enough.
If I go a bit crazy in September it is probably because after the holiday ends, I must log in and try again to balance between my desires and my needs, seeing how little I see and talk with those I love, and how much of my life is taking that little.
What can I say? Coming back feels like a ton of bricks :-p
Solutions? Well, you can try never get into an SL relation (oooops, too late), stop loving them (sorry, not possible) or taking a rest (yeah, fun, I also saw that chapter from Friends).
No, there are no solutions, no perfect ones, at least.
I will try to keep away from those sweet things that I must hide from my husband, try to keep my nature under control, and that should relieve part of the pressure; it isn’t perfect, but it may work…
… until September comes again.
Thank you so much for that post. I have nothing to add, you said it all.
Thank you, Izo :-)
I loved reading this post. To find the right balance between RL and SL is hard for everyone, and i appreciate your honesty in describing your point of view. I have many RL-married friends who have been lucky enough to find SL partners who share their same reasons to be in SL, but i always wondered how they can manage to never cross the line when feelings grow deeper and deeper. It’s a bit sad that in most cases, the only solution seems to be ‘to stop behave like a lover’, also because you ‘re perfectly aware that you ‘ll start behaving like a lover again soon with a new partner, reach another climax and then let go again. All these ups and downs can wear your soul, me thinks. But you seem so strong and confident anyway. I ‘ll keep reading your blog!
You are right about crossing the line; it seems the only way to stop relations growing too deep is to stop behaving like a lover, but it is so hard. It isn’t a matter of temptation, not even of greed for seduction; it is something way primal that keep dragging at us…
So, strong and confident? No idea where did you see it; what I remember is feeling pretty messed, and I am even more messed now ;-p
Oh, I followed your link and saw you started a blog not long ago; welcome to the blogosphere… you don’t know where you got yourself *smiles*.
Thanks for welcoming me, London! ah, well. you ‘re so right, I don’t know where i got myself. I am just enjoying being a noob again, cos’ that is what i feel like each time I blog. Sometimes it’s good to be naive, but i just hope it doesn’t last long!! :P Hmm, sea lo que sea…
Sorry if i insist, but i went thru most of your blog entries and the impression i get still is the same..’strong and confident’ with a striking touch of realism in a virtual world.
Amazing ;)
People want to be loved. Deep down, everybody wants to be loved, respected, admired and taken as they are. A few lucky ones of us get all this in their regular lives. However the world gets more complex, the pressure is immense, jobs taking their toll, families are no safe haven anymore, and other circumstances (you know mine) add to this. We get less love, less respect than we need to. Some people manage. Others – like myself – don’t. They wilt and wither. And they are desperate for love. And find it at the most unusual places.
Like breathing, loving is a primary need. You can’t decide to not breathe. And you can’t decide to not love. There are people who need more love (probably I belong to them), and people who need less love. Those who need less probably don#t feel such an urgency. Those who need more will suffer if they can’t give or receive love.
And if our situation in the atomic world does not give us enough of what we crave, we go and seek and find it elsewhere.
I am not ashamed of that. If I can’t breathe, I go somewhere where I can breathe. If I don’t get love, I go somewhere where I can share it. It may sound pathetic, but in SL I got more love in the past 9 months, than in the 5 years before in the atomic world.
This is who I am.
kudos to your definition of RL as ‘atomic world’, Peter.
And i agree, people who do not have an urgency to be loved can meet and share that partial amount that completes their lives. People who DO have such urgency meet too, and that’s when the trouble begins…
as for me, SL has turned my RL literally upside down (as in hemispheres, lol) and looks like it’s a long journey home now…