Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

Autumn

It has been quite a while since I posted about retiring from SL emotional scene…. and guess…

It didn’t work. Still loving and being loved. But nobody can simply stop loving, isn’t it? At least I should be able to avoid new relations?

It didn’t work. Some people is so wonderful, you can’t avoid loving them. Of course, being close friends and hetero, the passionate side is somehow limited. Oh, yes, don’t get me started about when I said I would renounce to sex!

It didn’t work… much. Sex is a delicate thing, after all.

Stressful relations became easier. Old mistakes (mostly mine), if not forgotten, at least are forgiven. Some I am just learning to love, but very, very carefully and slowly. Some I loved so much, with such intensity… and now embers is all is left.

I am not deluding myself; I know it would only take a loving breath for those embers to jump into burning flames. But just now, it isn’t what I want. I keep the embers alive, and they keep me alive, too. That’s all I need.

And maybe roast some chestnuts.

When you have lived the peaks and the valleys, plains may look dull. But if you have seen the wind caressing the grass, the sun slowly hiding behind the horizon, you know there is a soft, quiet beauty in plains.

It feels like Autumn.

Read Full Post »

After three months of silence, dandellion Kimban just wrote a new post, and you shouldn’t miss it; she nails the feeling of tiredness that affects many of us, SL oldies, when she describes one of her old friends.

When I remember my lowest times at SL, trying to find new things to do, trying to keep with my loved ones in a sad, gray world, I feel like wearing a pair of fangs myself.

And then SL bloomed again for me, probably because my heart is weak, and each time you fall in love is like looking at the world with new eyes. And here I am, spending hours logged in, writing like crazy, taking time I don’t have from my RL…

Messed up, but very happy ;-)

Anyway, I digress. I am writing this to congratulate dande, and to tell her I am sorry I missed her rezday, even if it is logical it happened: I dont know a single rezday date, not even mine, because I don’t take the effort to check them. To be true, I only know six RL birthday’s dates, and that includes mine.

At least I have an excuse at RL: time flies too fast, and a year is too small to be worth celebrating it. But at SL a year is almost a geological age; too many things happen in a year to count them.

Maybe I don’t care because it is enough to live, day by day, and piling up 365 of them isn’t too important… or maybe I am utterly lazy.

Anyway, dande, happy rezday; we will be here for the next one *hugs you tight*.

dandellion Kimban

And yes, I pinched the picture from dande’s Flickr. Lazy, lazy me :-p

Read Full Post »

September’s crazyness

A pair of weeks ago I decided I couldn’t take the weight of two full lives, and had to “simplify” my SL one.

Yes, again :-p

This time the idea is to avoid things I should hide from my RL husband, like cybering. While I can’t stop loving, I can stop behaving like a lover, and I hope that a  clean conscience, or at least a slightly gray one, will let me sleep better.

The thing is, I have been told that this happens every September, and it may be true. It seems that last September I did a massive defriending, and that the previous one I commented I was exhausted and I needed a rest; if we check 2007 archives, the average of 20 posts/month falls to a trickle of one or two after September the 16th.

I wonder if it was 2006’s September when I decided I couldn’t take the weight of my SL life and killed my main, Alana. I know it took me around six months to come back but, since London had already been worn as a working alt, I don’t know when it happened. What I know is I started writing in 2007’s June, and I had ambled a lot as London before doing so, so the chances are good.

I know about post-vacational depression and, while I don’t think I suffer it at RL, it may affect me at SL. While I don’t like to be said there are cycles in my behaviour, it is true that I always find hard to come back to SL after holidays. As my dear sis Zippora explains, way better than I could do:

I think emotional experiences in SL are even more wearing us out than the RL ones for several reasons: you lack direct communication with body language and facial expressions, most of us are communicating in a language that’s not our own  – both also with the risk of misinterpretation btw – , many of us stay up too late to see SL friends and therefore ask too much from our bodies, the secretness of virtual affairs forces us to stay quiet when we would like to cry out.

If I can add something, is the devastating effect of double loyalties for those of us who are married at RL.

At first it is easy to keep a SL relation private: no names, no pics, no voice; we can choose clear limits. But keeping yourself a secret from somebody you love isn’t an easy thing to do, and feels deeply wrong. Even if the idea is to protect your RL close ones, it sounds like lack of confidence, like saying “I am not telling you because you can use it someday to hurt me”.

Your friends may respect your privacy and understand when you need to keep a secret (says the relentless googler .-p), but as you grow closer you give and take, sharing more and more. And even if  I have never given away my full identity, my closest friends could probably discover who I am (Google again :-p), and that makes so tempting to take that last step, to stop the secrets.

But as barriers fail communication increases, and so does risk. Maybe you will check continuously your e-mail, or exchange phone calls, or dream about brief, hot RL encounters; maybe your SL lover makes you laugh, blush, maybe he keeps your mind busy while you are driving. At the end it doesn’t matter it is a virtual affair, because we behave like RL cheaters… and as RL cheaters we can’t give ourselves fully to our lovers, which can be so unfair, if you are the only thing they have.

Once upon a time I was so deeply in love at SL that I failed my RL. This time I had been more careful, not letting myself go, but still getting closer, deeper, until the daily mess of SL relations absorbed me, until too many hours weren’t enough, until giving everything was at the same time too much and not enough.

If I go a bit crazy in September it is probably because after the holiday ends, I must log in and try again to balance between my desires and my needs, seeing how little I see and talk with those I love, and how much of my life is taking that little.

What can I say? Coming back feels like a ton of bricks :-p

Solutions? Well, you can try never get into an SL relation (oooops, too late), stop loving them (sorry, not possible) or taking a rest (yeah, fun, I also saw that chapter from Friends).

No, there are no solutions, no perfect ones, at least.

I will try to keep away from those sweet things that I must hide from my husband, try to keep my nature under control, and that should relieve part of the pressure; it isn’t perfect, but it may work…

… until September comes again.

Read Full Post »

Deep cybersex

Note: for personal motives I wanted to stay in holidays and, indirectly, that made me remove this post, that wasn’t consistent with my mood. I don’t feel much like having it back (in fact, my next one will be about economics! *gawks*), but I have never deleted a post and I don’t want to start now :-p

This wasn’t the post I thought I would publish after coming back from my holidays; there where more interesting items, like what I had seen on the beach, the ayes and noes about RL disclosure or how different SL love can be for RL married and single people.

The deep (cyber)sex post has been resting in my draft folder for some months, and never seemed the right moment, or I hadn’t the right mood. Tonight, after some restless hours (it was two in the morning when I started writing this), I have decided that the wrong moment and the wrong mood could do the trick, as a sudden noise starts an avalanche, and so here you have it.

Avalanche

***Beware, this is definitely a NSFW post***

(more…)

Read Full Post »

And so love dies

Somebody I love deeply, told me not long ago that she enjoyed very much reading my mails, but she couldn’t answer them because she was busy at RL… reading a book.

I have simplified the situation a lot, she has many other motives to be busy, but doesn’t it sound as an awful thing to say?

Let’s look closely at it.

A good mail takes me between one or two hours; more than a post. That means that, by writing a mail, I’ll botch a whole morning (or afternoon), when I should be working in many other urgent things. I don’t mind it much because I am the kind of last-minute-woman everybody loves, but I understand how disruptive can be to write a love mail.

I have faith in what I have been said is true, that my mails are being enjoyed instead of simply tolerated, but as time passes without answer my passion grows cold, I find hard to write more, I feel I may be annoying…

… and so love dies.

But, and it is a huge but, what are the options? Stop writing? That would mean not communicating what I need to say. Ask for an answer? Forcing her to do so would only make it a burden.

Did you notice? She doesn’t answer because she needs time to read a novel, time for herself. She dared to tell me the truth about her needs, and by understanding it and helping her to fulfill them, she is happier, her inner light is stronger…

… and so love grows.

First love is a delicate, dazzling flower that withers too easily. We can choose to try to keep it still and lively as much as we can, or risk to let it bloom and die knowing that, with luck, it will become first a seed, and later a strong, living plant.

That second option asks for sacrifice, and I know there is a lot of people at SL, and at RL, that will do that.

But it also needs caring for your own needs, asking for a bit of private time to read a book, so you can bloom. We forget that too often and, at the end, without knowing how, our sweet love can easily become a sour, sad thing.

Read Full Post »

Puppets

My avie was sitting at the bed, covered with her eiderdown, while I was musing (as so often I do) about my emotional Second life. And suddenly she changed her pose, extending her hand towards me!

Stay with me a bit more, and I will tell you how it happened, and why  I am crazy.

asking

When I was young, my family situation forced me to keep negative my emotions under control. Sadly, that also numbed my positive feelings, and it took me ages to learn to express love. Then I got married, a daughter… but always felt I had missed something, my youth crazy years… and then I got them at SL.

Of course there was a price to pay: problems at home, sleep deprivation, drama. But it was worth it, and I did learn the lesson, and here I stand now: happier, quieter, wiser.

What a load of crap!

The only thing I did was to forget all illusions I had about self control. Now I know I want too much, and that when “want” calls, “shouldn’t” gets too easily kicked out.

Nothing serious (or at least, nothing too serious) has happened, but I can see the edge between right and wrong blurring; with the excuse of letting my heart fly, it is becoming again a selfish, hungry, erotic creature.

Of course, that brings me back to the same lesson SL keeps trying to teach me, and I seem unable to learn: to let my SL self grown and complement me, without  it getting out of control. To let me love, without becoming a slave of love.

Do you remember the first lines of this post, when I promised to tell you why my avie extended her hand? The logical explanation is I entered into edit mode, and that made her arm raise.

But if we consider the chance of it happening just when my mind was storming about all this,; how natural is her stance and how she, a piece of my mind, looks so sure of herself while I feel weak and confused…

I may joke about it, but sometimes I wonder who is the puppeteer.

Read Full Post »

I have been thinking about writing this post for a long time, because I am afraid people tends to mistake the true nature of love (and I mean romantic, erotic love),  believing it gives you some kind of rights, when the truth is it denies them.

It doesn’t matter how much you love somebody, you have no right to be loved in the same way

Chance is with me on this one, it is almost impossible to match love “levels”. While it is true that loving unconditionally tends to get a positive answer (we could even talk about love feedback),  isn’t right is to feel annoyed because you aren’t loved as much as yo do. Love can’t be forced… and don’t get me started about desire ;-p

You have no right to ask for fairness in love

When the one you love so much loves somebody else in the same way, asking “Why not me?” only causes pain; it would be nice if things where fair, but hearts can’t be controlled.

We can also find a classic unfairness example at poliamory, where trying to find equal time for each relation is an utopia. Trying too hard may even be harmful, since you can’t easily enjoy a time you would like to be spending with somebody else, and that may end poisoning things.

You have no right to ask love to be selfless

Love wants and wants and wants. It craves for time, attention, caresses, words. Oh, it can wait, and contain itself; SL love can be a very intensive exercise in self control, trying not to make a mess of our RL and virtual agendas… but at the end, what you we are doing is trying to ride a selfish beast.

You can’t ask love to last forever

To me this is the ugliest no-right. I am almost pathologically good at lasting relations, and so I hate to admit that love may dwindle and die, but the truth is that sometimes it does. Sometimes because it has been stretched up to breaking point, sometimes without an obvious motive, it dies.

If we are lucky, death of passionate love gives way to quiet, tender love, that can burn forever; that is my favorite relation. If we aren’t we stay there, broken and alone.

So, we really don’t get any rights?

Love may give you all what has been mentioned above and much more. Love may be wonderful, unconditional, unselfish, eternal… but it gives no rights. Those come from our inner moral sense and the way we face relationships, that are built not only in love, but care, shared experiences, tender moments, close minds, and friendship.

Love is intrinsically wild; taming and nurturing it makes us human.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »