You know how the song continue… “I ask my mother, who will I be”.
Not me; I spended almost 30 years trying to avoid her sudden, paranoid and irrational bursts of fury. Now, when people tell me how ponderated and calm I am (and yes, I remember my own yesterday’s burst, we will reach it with time) they don’t know the training I had, nor that I’ve been living in a bliss since I left home.
Btw, another side effect of my “survival” training is that I keep trying to guess what people is thinking (not a minor feat at SL), even if I believe my friends tell me I am right too often, only to make me happy .-p
I digress, as always. I was going to tell you that most of my true education come from my father, and since he had a liking for sciences, I ended knowing a lot of them and all it’s practical aplications; electricity, plumbing, etc. We played a lot of football, too.
You can imagine the result, I was, and always have been, a kind of tomboy.
I am not saying I am totaly unattractive, but I never worried too much about clothes and my own personal image. I started worrying like hell when I was 14, but then it was too late; I wasn’t one of the “popular girls” (you know, the ones that seems to grow longer hair, and bigger… bigger). Never took ballet, never went to their parties… and of course I despised them as shallow, from the distance :-p.
I had some friends on my own scale of popularity; there where the girls previously mentioned, the hopeless at the other extreme, the mass in the middle… and us, in a tangencial approach that maked us tolerated but not integrated. The odd ones.
I had always liked to read, but then I started devouring books.
Sometimes two or three in a day.
Since I had my older sister books at hand, that’s what I got. Science fiction, detective stories, Spider-man and Namor comics, Prince Vailiant, Flash Gordon, Lady Chatterly’s lover, Central Hospital. You know, educative ones :-)
The romantic where specially damaging; I accuse them not to be able to find MR. good guy as I growed. Ok, probably it also was because I was terminally shy, dressed like a guy and probably behaved like one, so they weren’t very attracted, but also because the ones who tried where really good guys, and, of course, we never went too far.
The trick of bad guys is they know what they want and go for it; they are direct and that easy things. Of course, the problem of the bad guys is that after it they still know what they want and go for it, and that makes them selfish.
Anyway the bad guys, who knew better, where more interested on the popular girls than on me :-p
With time I brushed off all the romantic age crap and cleared my ideas, but I was too set on my ways and it was too late (aka: still shy and hopeless). Yes, I went out with my friends and drink, and eated (oh, god, how I miss to eat whichever I wanted and not putting on an ounce) and drink a bit more. We where sofisticated, intelligent, funny… and alone :-p.
We didn’t like too much that people that seemed to hit on and be hitted on with disgusting ease, of course. We “knew” no deep relation could be born from this kind of behaviour. Time made me to know better, but still, I felt “tolerant” (dirty, condescendent word) until I readed theshadow’s yesterday post. Then I understood a better what could be happening at the more active side of the sexual fence.
But at the end this kind of things (and I mean shyness and solitude) break by their own weight; one of us met a guy, who brought all of his friends, and… well, it is easy to find MR. good guy when you really want and have the slightless opportunity, and he is pretty insistent and breaks your barriers, brick by brick.
And you know… when talking about your first time… about how important is the place, the moment, the mood, the skill, the right person…. how magic is everything?
Ok, at least he was the right one but, truly, one of five! Dissapointing isn’t hard enough; I whould give a try at deppresing.
But with patience, practice and a lot of care and curiosity… well, it got much, much better, and still is.
Why all this long story? Because I am a firm believer on real life monogamy. I am not hoping you find your right one on the first try, no, I hitted the jackpot that day.
But if you do find him, stay with him.
And stop looking for mr. perfect, too. Don’t even dare to say “this one is good, but this one can be better” if you already have the good one. You have it? stay. All of us learn to live without having the best wardrobe, or the best car, and to keep looking for them only makes us unhappy and poor. But for some motive, people seem to thing that relations are some kind of ladder, where you climb step by step until you find, what?
Stay.
Strangle Carrie Bradshaw and compromise. (and now you’ve commited murder, give a go to Susan Meyers; she gets on my nerves, too).
With time the strenght of the passion dissapears, yes, and I know how addictive are that first days. But if you don’t stay, you will be missing the quietness of simply sitting with somebody who loves you, the confidence that makes you know there is somebody there, if you need him.
In fact, when there is somebody who loves you is when it is easier to cheat, since you have the strength and self confidence the relation gives to you; I suggest you keep the relation and leave the thrill of the cheat.
What does this have to be with poliamory? Well, I’ve always thought is easy to love more than one person, and I think I whouldn’t be jealous over it, too; but even if your partner doesn’t minds (because if he does, it IS cheating), the complexity of the situation must strain the strength of your main bond, and that is something that the delicate RL relations don’t take too well. If it is hard for a couple to work, imagine a triangle.
Understand me, I am not telling you not to try. I am telling I think the odds are against you, but if it works, it must be a bliss.
So, I’ve been strictly monogamic from seventeen years. My experience with men is limited, if you don’t consider all the written porn I’ve readed… I’ve felt tempted two or three times, but I’ve kept my distances to my male friends. If intimity doesn’t grow, the temptation isn’t too big, too.
So here I was, almost forty, happily married with a little daughter, always dressing comfy, open minded, read a lot in spanish and english (included written porn, so easily to find and download at Internet), computer oriented and proficiency, calm and quiet, did it once in a train.
…
And then, it comed SL.
********************************************************************************************
Well, this is my friday post and here it comes the weekend. The second part will have to wait until sunday :-p
London, we really weren’t that different… I’ve been with more than one guy, but I don’t think one ‘date’ and one night doesn’t mean very much… and even that was few times…
When it comes down to it, we are very much alike… Crazy mothers, love of books and science… Tomboys… I was 21 before I had my first date… Not that I didn’t have a boy in high school try to rape me… Not that he’d ordinarily want anything to do with the outcast girl… Thank god I’m tough as nails and had my uncle teach me hand to hand since I was six…
In the end I kept my sanity somewhat intact by finding computers… and then the internet when it was new (I remember html 1.0)… Of course I also learned that the net back then didn’t appreciate women… it was a man’s world and women where sex objects in it… Which held a certain appeal, but I soon learned to hide that I was a women and pretended to be a guy online… I spent years doing that…
But anymore and I’ll need this to be a post on my site… :P
“And stop looking for mr. perfect, too. Don’t even dare to say “this one is good, but this one can be better” if you already have the good one.”
A bird in the hand, is worth two in the bush.
I re-wrote your statement for yah.. ::Giggles.::
I agree with you, whole heartedly. For you. In your situation, your emotions, yes, it is the best choice, it is how you should be.
For me.. I don’t know. I am quite different. I’m the same, emotionally and mentally, RL as I am SL. Maya knows 100% everything about me. Knows how I am. Knows exactly what she’s getting into. We both want to be together RL. And we both will be the same way there as SL.
We both are poly. I couldn’t have her any other way, and I don’t think she would want to have it either. But.. I think.. in the real world.. we will be alot more cautious. If we do decide more is needed.. we both must feel the same for the third person. It has to be a mutual Love. It has to be all three of us, so very deeply in Love with each other. I think that is the only way a true polyamorous relationship can work. Yeah, having people we love on the side can be rewarding in it’s own way.. but.. It’s risky. Never would we want to hurt the third person. So.. it has to be mutual.
I’m quietly and intently waiting for the next installment of this.. hehe. Need to see what more you’re going to say about everything. I always love reading what you have to say.. it shows me more and more about you, Love. ^^
London, I so wish I could take you up in my arms, hold you to me, and have you *feel* how deeply I like who you are, and respect you, and admire you. Aside from all the fun attraction :)
I can’t wait for Part 2 of this. I really want to know how you balance your lives, as I try to figure out how to balance my partnership and my integrity…
I wish I had brilliant insightful commentary, but I don’t. I’m tired, and I’m going to take the rest of the weekend to just let things process in spare cycles, rather than trying to force answers.
Know that I’m out here, though, London, loving and supporting you.
theshadow, welcome to the club who resisted that fucked early ages *smiles warmly and hugs you*.
I started with computers soon, but I reached Internet very late, so your experience with it is fascinating, please, write it!.
And a pair of tips about what your post teached me, even if you where writing about your SL experience:
“I’ll play (sexually at times) with friends and try to be there for them, but I would say I’m not really in love with them… There are limits to how close I’ll get or even want to get”
“For me sex is something I do to feel loved… ”
Kat, I am starting to notice you’ve a knack about being my gramatics teacher… but I like it (did I show you my japanese schoolgirl outfit, btw? It doesn’t suits me but, who knows? *winks*); thanks for the re-writing.
And as I said, I’ve never said RL poly is bad (noticed the said instead of told? *winks*), I only remarked the chances.
And, of course, it is good to know you are liking it, Kat *hugs you tight*.
Soph, so it is a fun attraction! (only kidding :-p); but I am afraid you will not find a lot about balance on the next one :-p. Take rests and come back soon, Soph *smiles and hugs you*.
*bows deeply*
I’m so impressed how you dare to write so openly about your feelings, London … wish I could do that, but even if I went a small step towards that aim with my post on SL relationships.
Reading your post, I quite often sat here and nodded, telling myself how much I know what you are talking about. I see a lot of similiarities in our lifes here (well, if you change the female to male roles and vice versa) and my first thought was to post an answer on my blog, but thinking about it I realized that I’m not ready for that level of exposition myself. So, I’ll rather tell you about it via IM later ;)
*waiting impatiently for part 2 now*
OK, I just saw that my first sentence misses a couple of words:
“… wish I could do that, but even if I went a small step towards that aim with my post on SL relationships, I don’t see myself being able to do that anytime soon.”
Sowwy!
*sits and stares at screen, speechless*
*curtseys back*
I don’t think there is boldness here, too; my main risk is you end knowing how I am and, well, that isn’t so bad (i hope :-p).
And yes, posting about relationships is always risky, since there is other people implied; you need to be sure how far can you reach… and then try a tiny bit farther ;-)
In the other hand, posting about yourself doesn’t have sense if you don’t enjoy it; yes, then it whould be an exercise on boldness, but for what?
of course my problem is just the opposite, I whould keep talking and talking about myself; that’s the corrupting power of the writen words (at least, when you don’t have an editor with a pair of scissors to protect you :-p).
And Zippora, just googled you, nice wings ;-)
London, you’re a true darling and a lovely soul.
You have the strength to open your heart and be vulnerable.
Reminds us that we are all wondering, probing, and being so sensitive inside, under our cover ups… Righteous stuf !!!
Eagerly awaiting your next write up.
Hug,
Yak
LOL London, which one of my many pairs of wings?
[…] it's human. After all, that is statistical data. Does it really matters to you? Or you may be really introduced to that person, knowing personal history, feelings and some intimate stuff. Very intimate […]
It took me a few hours of thinking it over and rereading your post to come to this comment. What made me speechless this morning? (This was actually Timothy’s question in chat ;-) )
First: your openness.You give us a view in your past, but without making us feel like intruders in your private life. And that all in a language that’s not your first. That is truly impressive.
Second: the feeling of reading my own lifestory. Of course not similar in detail, but I think we could have been good friends when we were 14 years old ;-) Reviving memories about my teenage years made me realise, that this is maybe one of my reasons to be in SL: I’m catching up what I’ve missed in my shy and ugly years. The wonderful feeling of being fancied and being loved. We are all so pretty and good looking in SL aren’t we? :-) And I must admit: falling in love for the first time in SL and first experiences with sex were as confusing as in RL in those days ;-)
But now I am a happily married mum in RL and though I know he’s not perfect, I completely agree with you about RL monogamy. Which makes me really looking forward about your point of view about SL, as I’m still struggling with that …
*smiles* Thanks, Yak and Zippora *hugs you back*.
They where the orange wings in the small picture on your twitter profile, Zippora… and I love to see you feel like me, even if that means both of us are troubled; because don’t think I’ll be of any help with your struggle, I keep feeling guilty day after day .-p.
*Takes a deep breath* OK, I can do this…
Zippora said:
I’m catching up what I’ve missed in my shy and ugly years. The wonderful feeling of being fancied and being loved. We are all so pretty and good looking in SL aren’t we? :-) And I must admit: falling in love for the first time in SL and first experiences with sex were as confusing as in RL in those days ;-)
I absolutely agree with both of those points (and of course with London’s post in a larger sense). When I was young I was shy, akward, and unpopular. Most of my life has been without romance and excitement, although I am quite happy with it now. SL is a chance to roll back the clock a bit and enjoy my youth in ways that I couldn’t (or simply didn’t) before. I also get to have cybernetic eyes and wear a vinyl catsuit, which is a bonus. ;-P
Thing I’m noticing is this – Without the benefit of experience and memories my RL self has, and thrown into a totally new environment, I am just as emotionally immature as I was in those days, and just as prone to get myself or others hurt by bad judgement calls. Will this change as I acquire more experiences here? Ask me later.
Sorry to clog up your comments column. Like everyone else who has been reading this I feel like you let us in on something important to you without giving away mundane details, and it seemed only fair that I share this.
::Argent Out::
Welcome to the club of SL troubled hearts, Argent :-)
And don’t even dare to talk again about “blog clogging”; this is your place, to talk and share, or simply to say hello if you feel like that.
*hugs you*
I’m right there with Argent: in my three months of life in SL I’ve lived a whole life, from infancy to troubled adolescence. Have I caught up with the age I think of myself as being? Maybe so, maybe not yet.
I know I don’t have all that much in common anymore with the person – the child? – I was my first few weeks here. That’s a hard and complicated thing….
Hard and complicated.. Yeah. I think alot of us are like that though, Sophy. No one is ever so simple.
As for age? I think I’ve caught myself.. I’m not sure there was a time when I wasn’t. My only adolescence or childhood was just mechanics of the game, I believe. ::Nods.::
London, Zippora and Argent,
I could have written very much the same words. I’ve been the outsider all my life, I grew up quite isolated, having a single mum, and living in a suburb full of pensioners.
Growing up was dull, and it’s really only been recently that I discovered how wasted my teenage years were. NO! I’ll have to just make that years in general.
But on the other hand, I did get to sit with the “popular” girls at school, (the benefit of having a wicked sense of humor).
Now at 40 I have had a very hard look at my life, and believe it or not, with the knowledge I have now, I know that there was someone for me at school, someone who was nice and honest. They didn’t know what words to say to me, and possibly I didn’t know what to say back.
Oh well.. possibly it would have prepared me for the emotional kicking/beating/heart ripping I got in my first real relationship that made me the social/emotion/sexual cripple I became for so long.
Who knows?
I’m married now, and while I don’t think Slex is cheating, my partner would, and I must have a SL virgin record.
I’ve been happy in SL, but my partner hates it.
Soph, I am sure your three months here will be a long and interesting story… and about maturity, isn’t the same to reach it that to reach stability… the first is much easier than the second…
… and I suspect Kat hadn’t suffered an SL adolescence because she is as she is at RL… no personality changes for her, only the lovely Kat in two worlds :-)
And a wicked sense of humor, Shockwave? that sounds interesting, you should tell us more, too :-). But missing somebody… I think all of us did; that opportunities that we remember years after, thinking what could had happen, how your live whould had been. Worse, a bad first relation, as you describe it; I cannot imagine how it was.
And, about your virgin record… maybe it is the best idea… I started thinking SLex wasn’t cheating, but you know… if you love them it is. It already is when you declare your love, only it becomes more obvious after the sex.
Wouldn’t just.. Loving someone else.. without the original partner knowing.. be cheating? The physical.. yeah, whatever. But the emotional.. that is what I would think would be the biggest problem. That the emotional attatchment to someone is where the real cheating is. ::Pouts, and sighs.::
Yes, Kat, I’ve always agreed with you on this *hugs you*.
But I wonder if you say it now because you mean that as suggesting to avoid SL relations, or since being in love is automatically cheating, it has no sense to skip sex?
“And, about your virgin record… maybe it is the best idea… I started thinking SLex wasn’t cheating, but you know… if you love them it is. It already is when you declare your love, only it becomes more obvious after the sex.”
You are so right London. I posted something very likely months ago on a dutch forum, when I was utterly in love the first time in SL. I never had sex with my first SL-love but felt terribly guilty to my RL-husband anyway. Which is very different from the incidental one night stands (SL!) I’ve had: I don’t feel any worse about that as when reading or watching porn.
And -LOL- I like your last comment: makes me feel a bit less guilty about my current relation, which has sex involved :)))
Actually, yeah. What sense is there to skip the sex if you’re already cheating. ::Giggles.:: I’m not trying to hurt anyone with the comments.. most people should know that. It’s just.. odd, to me. I’m glad I have who I have.. That what I do is never thought of as cheating.. The only time I think of it that way is if I’m with someone that I do -not- Love. And that rarely, if ever, has happened. Those that I Love have a deep understanding about how I am. About how I show my Love, about how I give that Love to people. I’m glad they all understand.
[…] 2007 by London Spengler It is sunday, and I was suposed to write the second part of the series Poly at SL, mono at RL. But you know how busy can RL be sometimes, so today you will only get a teaser, telling you there […]
Yes, the difference is always when there are feelings involved… and it is so good I helped easing your guilt; now I only need to ease mine :-)
And Kat… yes, we understand…. what we don’t do is sleep *grins*, but we understand *hugs you really really tight*.
Such an interesting piece, and I look forward to more. I talk to people about these issues for a living, both in RL and in SL. The more I stop to listen to each person’s story, the more I learn. Each person has their own unique view of love, commitment, infidelity…it’s a matter of what is right for each of us. Thank you (and those who responded here with equal candor) for sharing your thoughts and feelings. <3
Aha, doing a bit of publicity in the land of the emotionally… only kidding :-p
Thanks, and welcome to the blog comments, Avalon :-)
Hehe.. Hai! Welcome, Avalon. You ought to talk to some of these people in world some time. I’m sure many of us would love to give all the insight we can into our own little worlds of Love and such. ^^
************** Note from London Spengler ************
I removed this comment because it mainly had Soph email.
my fault for forgetting to give mine to her :-p.
[…] Jul 30th, 2007 by London Spengler Hi :-) this is the second part of a series of four posts; you can find the first one here. […]
[…] 6th, 2007 by London Spengler You can find the first part of this series here, or in the Love and Sex category. Of course, when it ends on the I Fucked it Up one, it is clear […]
[…] Poly at SL, mono at RL. Part 1: when I was just a little girl […]